Absence of light


I don’t understand why we would ever want to bond with each other.
I’m not sure that sociopaths are really the worst thing… They probably don’t get attached to people or animals or whatever, at all….not emotionally anyway.
And who wouldn’t love a healthy dose of zero fucks to give on tap?
I really would rather just be able to miss someone because they aren’t presently near me than because I know they don’t exist in the world.

Know this, I don’t care about your philosophy that “everything happens for a reason” or “they’re in a better place” or ” heaven” or “hell” or what the fuck ever.

I’m not a scientist or any other special brand of person that has the luxury of assigning my meaning to things.

I’m just a regular motherfucker that hates when I notice the absence of a life that was once so clearly in…

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It is inevitable, this escape into nothing, where words are hollow and empty, where promises are dreams and nothing more.  Half hearted attempts at monotony are futile, at most.

Again and again I spiral, deep into the highest depth of despair. It holds my hand, leads me down the shiny path, chanting, reminding me of every insecurity that plagues my heart, every truth that is twisted into some garbled voice of chaos and failure. 

How do I climb out? Where are the hands of trust and accomplishment, desiring mine? At times their shadows play havoc in the sun, fooling me with their fleeting presence, only to disappear again with the next cloud of despair. 

It’s a lonely day, it’s a lonely life. 

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Insecurity at its finest

There are days when I think, I am fucking amazing. I am strong and I can do this life thing on my own. Within hours, reality chuckles with its self righteous smirk and says, you are a weak, fucking pathetic, needy soul, destined for for a straight shot to hell. And with that, I unravel. I’m again put into my place, reminded of the inadequacies that make up the core of who I am.

When I convince myself I am strong, actions prove otherwise. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. You are weak, you are a week, you are weak, you fucking loser.

Why do I complete the vicious cycle repeatedly, unwaveringly? Why do I allow my cherished time, depleted energy, and scarred heart to play ring around the self confidence rosy again and again, when I always fall down?  I know the end result, and it sucks, because when I fall, we all fall down.

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Tears like a perpetual fog, clouding my eyes, smudging my mascara. 

Heartache unlike any pain I’ve ever felt before.

Is there a way out?

How do I crawl up from this deep abyss the pain has sucked me in to?

When can I plaster the pseudo smile back on with some resemblance of authenticity?

Avoiding the world, every person, and they sigh with relief.

Hope has become the most lethal of four letter words. Dare not speak it, think it, as it only brings on more crushing pain.

Learning to live the new reality, where everything is nothing. Where alone is constant, even in times of suffocation.

The will no longer exists yet somehow I force it, yet another moment longer.

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Wasted effort

Someday she will stop
Dressed in her Sunday best
Twirling her hair around her fingers
Silently begging for hands in it

Her eyes, they’ll stare off, into the ravenous abyss
Their hunger consuming every breath she takes
Focusing. Focusing. Focusing.

Do not stray from this path
It is brightly paved, lavishly adorned

The rest have proceeded her, without shame

She walks alone, her footprints light
Aching to finish
Desperate to leave
Her soul is heavy, her heart, unbearable

Her sole focus
She doesn’t dare admit
She can’t
She won’t
She lacks hope

She searches for joy.

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Sometimes even the tears cease to lull
The memories and pain sinks further inside
Burying itself
Well, within my soul.
The nights when tears flow, yet provide no relief
The arms next to me are empty and cold
Wrapped around his precious, his phone.
All the sweet they’s, looking the other way.
Pretending not to notice, because it’s easier not to care.
Alone and listless, hollow and cold.
I’d scream out for help, but they’re silent, dull.
Then nobody reaches out her inviting arms,
Nobody allows me to sink back, comfortably in.
Nobody cares, oh so much.
She never leaves me, always reminds me of her presence.
Nobody is the only one I can trust. Always.

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Why is it that you haunt me?

What love is not… That paragraph kills me with perfection.

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